oh did i menchon.

happy september baby

pills

ever since freshman year ive been doing pills. i used to do them often, at least three or four times a week for months. it started affecting my school work, and my home life, my relationships everything. so i started to stop, slow down and cut back on everything i was doing. i did good for the most part i wouldn't do them for a while and it would be an every now and than kinda thing. recently i have started doing them again, well.. its been like 5 or 6 months that ive been doing them, at least once a week. my boyfriend broke his collarbone so he had to get surgery we ended up doing all of his oxy codones, his vikes and perks. now that he has none we both are craving them. he never really did them until now, i feel horrible getting him into pills. it may be his decision but i showed up the fun and feelings that you get when on them. i want one. i would kill for an adderall. anything at that, i wouldnt mind taking whatever offered to me. i know im not addicted, or am i? i think about them a lot. the feelings they give me. i just feel so incredible on them, like i can do anything accomplish whatever it is i need. every bad thought i have goes away and i feel like i can feel everything so much more than i would sober. every thought and emotion travles through my body and i feel i all the way from my the ends of my hair to my head, all the way down my arms to my finger tips, it shoots through my legs down to the tip of my toes. i love it. i want one, or two and maybe even three.

sunshine.

so you know that feeling you get when your in a good mood and you walk out of your house and the sunshine hits your face, and everything just feels so perfect and your at such peace with the world. well thats the feeling i get everytime he enters the room.

i have finllay realized that he is my sunshine, my moonlight. the bliss in my would. my everything.

what defines a whore?

dictionary.com defines a whore as ; a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.

ever since the beginning of my high school career ive been known as a " whore ". I've never thought of myself as one though. I can admit that i've had sex with 15 people. Does that make me a whore though? I enjoy having sex a lot. Every feeling i get from when that first kiss starts to the last one and the awkward moment after you have just finished and are putting your clothes back on. what gives people the right to call people whores and sluts? We all use that term so loosely. if guys can have sex with how many ever woman that they want to why can't i?

cant sleep.

i can never sleep at night, im always up thinking of everything. so many things run through my mind at night. the past, the present and the future. all my regrets flood my head, and my memories take over my thoughts. i than began to think of the present and how everything that i've done affects whats going on now. my mind than goes to the future and all the possbilities that it can have, the good and the bad. i try hard not to think, to just lay down close my eyes and sleep. for some reason i just cannot shut my mind off.

than again, when sleeping with someone i do fall asleep fast. i think its distraction, i need to find a distraction when im alone. or, just start sleeping with my boy everynight. which i love doing so much, but thats besides the point. i need to find a way to get to sleep faster, that way i don't sleep my whole day away. and so i can stop thinking of everything, stop worrying and stressing out over unchangable things and things that i have no control over. maybe one day..

nudes

tonight i went to a friends, there was four of us all girls. we all decided that we wanted to go walk around downtown we stopped in a burito place called boloco because i had to use the bathroom and ended up forgetting my phone there. earlier that day one of my friends had sent me one of her nudes and i put it as my background. when i finally realized where i had left my phone i went back into boloco. they were all giggling and laughing looking at my phone. they had all saw her nudes, the funny thing is she applied there the day before. now not only do they think that me and her are lovers, they also have seen her naked.

la vita e bella <3

i've never experinced pure happiness. i have always been the child who had problems, depression and anger and hatred towards the world. i was lost. he saved me, from myself from the world. hes brought me to such a wonderful place in my life. i feel as if i see the world as such a different place. life is beauitful. my eyes are open to the simple, pure things now. everything seems so beautiful to me. i find myself coming to tears as i write this. ive never cried because of happiness before. i am filled with joy. i've never felt this way, i have such a hard time discribing my feelings. my whole body and mind seems to be in peace at this very moment. i don't ever want this feeling to go away. i have him to thank for opening my world up. i start to think, and start to feel scared knowing theres a chance this could fade away. i finally know what its like to be happy, and i have him to thank.